Aisophistic

Tuesday, April 21, 2009, LOST @ 6:24 PM

Read only if you care.

Since yesterday, grief started to invade me. Since yesterday, i am living a gloomy life. Since yesterday, i know days/mths to come, i will have a tough life with whats happening to me.

Allow me to share my concerns and things that had caught me up this few days.

First and foremost. The university thingy. Yes, i had rejected fully and there goes my chance of being in the local university. Alot of views were exchanged by fellow colleagues. Some hurtful remarks and sarcasm i got. I dont have to even elaborate it. Just imagine, the situation im in. "Being offered a place at e local uni where ppl are all fighting for it, but me, rejected it. " So what kind of responses will you expect? Just imagine the worst. It was definitely a VERY tough decision, its not easy seriously. There are alot of factors that constitute to me having to make such decision. Besides that, i do receive nice-to-hear comments from them. Im just not as lucky as some people.

Next, my father. He had a serious asthma attack yesterday. It leads to having 3 times of oxygen consumption to make him feel relieve. It was definitely hurtful to see him in that condition. The breathless moment. I was supposed to have dinner with my colleague whose last day was ytdy. I had to cancel it and immediately send him off to TTSH which is nearby. I know the sickness is taking over him now. He is getting weaker and weaker. He is breathless everyday of his life. And so far, nothing is going to work for him, the inhaler, the medicine, you name it, he tried it all. Its just the sickness which every patient who got it, will always pant even though it is just doing a simple chore like changing clothes. Dear GOD, give me the strength to be strong always and go through everything. Insya-allah.

Love on the other hand is having a tough time with his life. Its not only regarding his career but some personal things that got totally out of control this few days. Definitely, i cant deny it affects me like MAD. For instance, yesterday i had already had a tough time at work, he was stressed up with things, and me with dad and work. I almost felt like giving up immediately. He went missing for 3 hrs with no contact. 3 hrs may seems nothing. I may sound exaggerating or what. He gave me a weird kind of message and went jogging which usually takes him 3o mins. So with no handphone with him and no way of me knowing his whereabouts, so how can i dont freak out? But i totally heaved a sigh of relief when he told what he did and where he was. He ran till Sengkang. How crazy it is right, but i understand. Its his way to release his stress. By running his lungs out.

Whats happening in love life had also affect me so much. Its really hard. Its really stressful. Its really testing me, testing us. I dont know till when will i have the strength to motivate him when i am already losing my faith in life. I dont know whether i can be there and support him when all i need now is his support. This had been the worst phase in my life. I had been trying to handle and juggle alot of things, i am used to it. But this time round, the proportion of problems is roughly the same but the level of damage it causes to me, its absurd! All i want him to know is, i am already at my wits end. My heart aches each and everytime. I cant seem to be able to motivate myself ALONE. I dont have the strength anymore. I need you to help me go through this period.

And whats worst, the job im having now is insecure. Why i say so? They are about 3/4 of the temp staff that will be retrenched this friday. And i heard about 15 of us are staying. 10 of them is already confirmed. I dont think i will get to stay. My gut feelings say so. So how am i supposed to support myself financially? I am working temporarily and taking up 2 tuition assignments. Yes, i repeat 2. Besides the 8.30 to 5 pm job, 2 tuition job and dance on weekends both Sat and Sunday. (Sunday if needed) I know its madness. But im really left with no option. I am earning so little that it feels like you dont even earn. What do you expect when they give you 1 week break anytime and its unpaid. Heard that they will give another 1 week break. Even if its no break, i will be earning such a measly pay to even support myself, my expenditures. I had to STOP shopping, which i already did. I dont have income coming in till May pay comes and worst when i have tuition but to some reason, i cant have that income. Shall not elaborate. So i think i have to make do with no breakfast or no lunch. And May pay is pathetic. With 1 week of unpaid leave and yes coming 1 more week. Equivalent to less than $500- no idea if it's inclusive of cpf deduction or not? Haiz.

Due to everything that had happened to me, i have lost weight which i cant afford to end up in this position. I am already skinny, so i think in time to come, i will be bony. How nice huh? And everything is blatant on my face, having breakouts! What a life im having now. It hurts more when people actually commented and ask. How can i survive without eating right? All this sadness within, is totally taking over me.

Eating lesser as you are stress + emotions always at a whirlpool= SKINNY aishah.
(soon depression i think)

I cant leave dance yet. I had so much commitments that i can never run away from. Dance stress is yet another concern. I dont know how to share.

Its more saddening when you are burdened with all this, and there is no one there for you. No one to hear your sorrows. No one to spare that few minutes to even hear your problems. No one to understand your situation. It felt worst when you try sharing, people tend to just give it a pass or make you feel like oh come on, stop being so petty. Maybe i expect too much. But i have this space of mine to let out what i feel. Now, this virtual diary, had been a part of me. Like an imaginary friend who dont hurt you but listen to your heart and letting your fingers typing those words.

I had totally forgot how to share. I dont know how to share my sadness anymore. If i were to share, does anybody care?

I am seriously lost in this world.

Will things get better in time? I hope so.

I forgot how to laugh and smile. Can someone teach me how to do it?