Aisophistic

Monday, June 22, 2009, Its time now. @ 7:50 PM

What happened to me over the weekend had woke me up from my beautiful dream i had. It was a devastating moment for me. I felt all alone and so helpless. The thought of it happening and i was an issue. That totally caught me off guard. I have finalized my decision. I am someone who wont make rash decision. I will put my ego aside and just forget everything. But this time round its not the first or second time. It hit me super hard this time round and made my heart crashed to thousands of pieces, which i know will take forever to heal. Aku serik.

Imagine being the only one that appear to be the "bad" one?
Imagine being an issue they were to coincidentally sit down and talk about?
Imagine being bashed with hurtful remarks when you know nothing?
Imagine being slapped tight with those words which rings in your mind each and every second now?
Imagine being in that position and feel a great humiliation?
Imagine after trying to make yourself feel better coz no one helped you, but someone just have to make situation even worst?
And imagine all this come from people who meant alot in your life, people whom you least expected to hear this from?

No one will understand what you really feel and the pain you went through. I lead my life simple. I no longer wants to expect anything. And i feel that a friend truly understands when he or she doesnt expect anything in return. The sincerity that matters to me. Its true that all humans have 24 hrs. But dont use it as an excuse to make a comeback. 8 hrs sleep 8 hrs work. Another extra 8 hours to squeeze your blood to find time for yourself and other important priorities.

I know i am also at fault, and im not one selfish bitch who only cares about herself. But after what happen. I am just speechless and felt that i had no meaning in life. I felt lost in this world. But i lifted up myself despite no one was there for me, not even love. And that again, i didnt expect it from him bcoz i understand his position.

If ever i were to face any dissatisfaction within me about any issues in relation to anyone close to my heart and matters to me, I wont publish it anywhere. Coz i know it doesnt reflect good of the friendship also and worst it hurts the loved ones badly. But that is my opinion. I am the kind that will only show what i feel like now, after things happen. Easy to say, tkder angin pokok takkan goyang. Why must you resort to that way and worst when people keep on telling to treasure friendship and wanting to bring the message across that you need your friends but your actions and words eventually asking one to just fuck off from everything. Contradicting isnt it?

I know that words have been said and decisions have been made. But i didnt expect your foul mouth to say such things. Now i know how much shit i meant to you. Im just a normal ordinary friend to some. Why people have to use harsh words to attack someone or even to let out what you feel. You dont live in this world alone. The best remedy is to always tell yourself that they will not be there 24hrs. Its best to learn things the hard way. When people couldnt be there for me, and please dont say that because i have love to rely on, for your info it was never that way. I began to swallow this facts of life. I understand and learn not to be dependent on anyone. I put limits to my expectation and my way of doing things. I feel that we must be adaptive to changes and move on. Life still goes on. You cant depend on anyone now. Its cold hard fact to me. If you cant accept me the way i am, even when i changed, what more can i say?

Mum had talked to me about this topic that i had always debated with her. I stood up for it each and every time she mention it to me. Till one day she said, it have not happened to you yet. But finally, it happened. I see it now. I believed her now. She got her point nailed in me now, finally. I see where she is heading to. I have never ever felt or say that i dont need my friends. Friends are medicine of life. I dont deny that. But friends are also the best individual to understand you the most. You dont hope that they understand. They are expected to understand. Once again, i expect too much i guess.

I hope with faith and time, it can heal this pain im facing. Yes everyone was affected and hurt. But imagine you are the only one. The hot topic i shall say. So how are you gonna face them? Now you tell me. I am very ashamed to face them. I cant deny that i do talk about people and all. Being the gossip queen some more. But did i ever display it, did i ever put it to words to make someone felt demoralized? Once again, i am cheated.

Did i make the wrong choice? Do i even have a choice? If you think i want this, think about it. I will go all out and wont do anything to jeopardize my friendship with anyone out there who matters alot to me. So which part i go wrong? If i am not always there also, try to look at those moments when i was there. At least for my sake. Think good of me. Gosh, this part im crying.

My heart wrenched with tears and i am very disssapointed. Its very very depressing. I just feel that im a total failure. A "laughing" stock, unexpectedly from friends whom i felt meant the world to her. It took me so much pain to take off that picture. But i have to, or else, i can just die of heart pain. But one thing i want them to know. I have always loved them so much although i may not be physically there always. But now the love, its hard to rekindle it back. I dont even wish to try.

Like i said, its time i make a move.