Aisophistic

Monday, July 20, 2009, Loneliness @ 7:24 PM

What have i got myself landed up into? I have been pushing myself too much the past few weeks or to be exact last week(exactly 7 days), i pushed myself real hard. Every single day i reached home VERY late and worst, sleeping very late when Ive got work the next day. What i have always been telling myself: Never mind, i got supplements to help me, and even worst, i told myself, when i fall sick, then i will take a break. It doesn't even help me in the end. :(

My week was filled with activities during and after work that actually cost alot of my energy, be it mentally or physically being used up. The problem is, i did not even have the capacity to recharge and regenerate, that life power. So it died on me. I know I'm used to jam packed activities ever since my diploma days, but that was when i was stronger. Now, my health is deteriorating and it's different phase of my life now. I can't afford to do anything that can "fail" myself. In whatever areas.

I'm on two days MC. Even though it took me quite some time to actually fall sick. The typical Aishah will fall sick each and every time there is a change in her cycle of life, for e.g. even change in environment. So finally, i fell sick. Not that I'm asking for it, i knew that this would happen.

The previous week, as i have mentioned, had occupied me. Not only that, i received alot of devastating and shocking news. Shocked to the max, face to face and also through word of mouth! Poor heart of mine, jumped off and stopped for a while and came running back, back to its position. haha! But now, i have learnt even more things in life be it friendship, family and also relations with others. As simple as that, kinship.

And i can also proudly say, i could manage to handle the difficult times ALONE. Not that I'm proud that I'm alone, but being able to be independent and don't hope for any one's help out there, and ultimately, you stood by yourself, it totally gave you this kind of "feeling" in you. I would want to remain this way. I know that love can't be there for me, i even told him off, dont have to make me feel nice, because you yourself cannot have the time to do so. I dont want to be selfish. I want to learn.

As much as I'm afraid to lose the people i love and treasure, the fact that everybody in this world will walk out of your life, i am even more afraid to lose myself. So during this phase, it got me thinking and finally had a new meaning in life.

I have always been learning things the hard way. But i will never ever give up and let things get wayward and i have no chance to make things better again. All i can, i will try my very best to save anything and everything at any cost, provided if the situation allows me, meaning: you need two hands to clap. I mean what for, when you tried too hard to make things better but the other party doesnt want. Everyone is different, thus everyone will have their own beliefs. So i shall respect that.

I hope with this "loneliness", it aids me more in seeing who actually cares for me sincerely and will go all out for me. But i know deep down inside, that one, wont exist. I'm not hoping much from anybody or anything. Sometimes, its better to lead your life, not hoping for anything in return out there. Cause, the actual fact, nobody really cares if you are miserable, so might as well be happy!

And besides, i am so used to being independent. Now i just need to polish that skills of mine. Come on aishah, since 7 yrs old. Its really nothing to start it all over again. Lets start. =D